Beware of Momzillas! (And why you don't want to be one!)

Ben:

We have teenagers. This means dates, dances, roller coaster rides of emotions, etc. We have solid relationships with them and are able to communicate back and forth about their personal lives. This puts us in a good position to advise, but to do so at a comfortable distance.

So, being a new inductee as a parent to teenagers in the dating world, I learned of a rather peculiar phenomenon – Momzillas.

I believe parents should keep a comfortable distance from their kids’ dating lives. (It feels strange to say “dating,” considering they’re still kids, but I digress…)

What do I mean by “comfortable distance”?

I’m not suggesting parents leave their credit cards on the table, vacate the house, and tell the young couples to have at it. However, I do think that parental involvement needs to end at the front door. The politics of school romances need to play themselves out. School is not only where kids get their scholastic educations, it’s also where they get their social training. Young couples get together and break up. There’s unrequited love, unfaithful boy- and girlfriends, grand, stupid gestures, and horrible poetry – and it all unfolds in the little social Petri dishes known as middle and high schools. The point is, they work it out amongst themselves (or at least they should).

It’s maddening as a parent to hear the litany of social developments in a given school day:

“Greg said that Marsha saw Bobby holding hands with Erica after she just got done passing a note to Lisa to pass to Suzie to pass to Brad that said, 'BFF’s Forever? Circle Yes or No!'”

What’s even harder is when your kid is the one being rejected or treated poorly.  It’s so difficult to not get caught up in all the drama and to not step in and deal with things personally. I mean after all, it’s been your job to look after them so far; doesn't that include intervening in their love lives?

Absolutely. Not.

This is where Momzillas come in. I’ve witnessed (first- or second-hand, I won’t say), control-obsessed parents who cross healthy boundaries for the express purpose of meddling in their teenagers’ romantic affairs. I don’t mean buying Haagen-Dazs ice cream, renting chick flicks, and having a swearing-off-boys evening after a tough breakup. The Momzillas I refer to assert themselves into children’s domains, applying adult-level pressure to young people situations. For example, I’ve heard of grown women pressuring teenage boys to date their daughters, or those same grown women contacting a girl that rejected their son to ask why. I’m sure it’s a common occurrence, but to me that makes it no less creepy. In addition, it adds a whole new level of completely unnecessary drama. School relationships are complicated as it is without some forty-something adult getting in the middle of it.

Why these people do this, I’m not sure. I suspect there is any number of reasons they behave the way they do, but I’m certain they’re unhealthy. You don’t give your kids the chance to find their own way if you’re involved in every aspect and nuance of their lives. They’ll be ill-equipped when they are facing things on their own for the first time. There’s a season for control and a season to let go, and this period falls in between.

Let me be clear: I’m not suggesting a total hands-off approach – just the opposite. It's imperative you stay involved in your kids’ lives. Be at the ready with advice, consoling, and guidance. Be the safety net for them when things go awry (And yes, it's school. Things always go awry). Set good, healthy rules and boundaries, and maintain solid relationships with them. Set the example for how they should expect their prospective mates to treat them. Also, be ready to step in when things get out of control – just be sure to handle it on the adult level when you do. It’s much more appropriate to address parents when resolving romantic conflicts than to address their kids.

So, in short, don’t be a Mom- (or Dad-) zilla.

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Esther:

Now, there are some issues I struggle with, and some I don't.  Let me tell you why becoming a mom-zilla is NOT a tendency I have to fight against.


1.  It sends the message that my kid isn't much of a catch.

"I can't believe that boy you've had a crush on broke your heart by asking out another girl!  What a jerk!  Well, I bet if you wear this and we do your hair tomorrow, he'll notice you then..."

If I were to treat my daughter like this, I think I'd be saying that (A) she'll never find someone who's wild about her, so she should settle for someone who isn't into her, and (B) he's somehow a jerk for just not requiting her feelings, but he's also someone we're still wasting time on, so she should totally keep chasing after jerks.  Oh, and also (C) she's a failure if she can't manipulate someone into liking her back.


2. Trying to make a teenager date my teenager is as creepy as shoving a toddler who takes my toddler's toy.

Seriously not cool.  If a kid disappoints my kid, my job is to focus on my own kid - comfort him, encourage him, and teach him coping skills for the next time someone disappoints him.  If the other kid actually *harms* my kid (as opposed to breaking my kid's heart, which, while it feels like harm, is a good learning experience), then I'm gonna take it up with that kid's parent.  But if a girl breaks my son's heart and then I confront her about it, I'm ignoring one of two important truths: I am not that kid's parent, and I am not that kid's equal.  Ignoring the former is crossing a boundary; ignoring the latter is deciding to be a bully.


3. Mixing my personal feelings that much into a teenage romance might be a red flag that I need to see a therapist.

Because, you know, I'm a grown woman, and not a teenage girl whose world will come unhinged if a teenage boy chooses someone besides me -- I mean, my daughter.

I don't expect that those first romantic interests out of the gate will end up being my children's soul mates.  Instead, I expect is that my kids will learn, as they begin dating, what sorts of people they're attracted to; which personalities work with theirs, and which don't; how they should treat someone in a relationship, and how they should expect to be treated.  I expect that I'll get the chance to guide them through the giddiness and heartache, to teach them about pacing and picking up cues, and to encourage them to find out who they are and then be patient until they find someone who fits uniquely with them.  If I conduct myself appropriately during my kids' dating adventures, I'll be a valuable resource they'll keep close even during their angst; and, at the other end of it, my kids will have a better-than-average chance at romantic happiness that lasts.

Oh!  I've just realized we've spent this post on why one doesn't want to be a Momzilla, and not necessarily how to beware of a Momzilla.  I'll keep it brief: DO NOT ENGAGE.  Do not take the bait when they act all crazy and dramatic.  Stay sane, clutch your children close, and avoid eye contact.  Eventually, they will be drawn away by the next thing that moves.

Ben would like to add here, "They'll go after the next person they imagine hurts their kid, which is pretty much everybody."  But I'm not including that because this isn't his part of the post.