Let's Eat Grandma! (Communications 101)

Ben:

A key component to establishing and keeping any relationship is the ability to convey thoughts, ideas, emotions, needs, wants, desires, intentions, and even dislikes to one another. In short, we need to be able to communicate with one another.

Humans have an entire arsenal of ways to communicate. Our verbal speech alone gives us a multitude of ways to convey meaning. The language we speak, the tone, the volume, and the pitch at which we speak can all convey a host of emotions.

Let’s try a single word for starters.

“Run?”

"Are you up for a jog? Do you run often? Do you like running marathons?"

“Run.”

"I’ve just come in from a jog. I’m exhausted. I was the one voted to go on a snack run and now I’m back."

“Run!”

"It’s the zombie apocalypse! There’s a guy with a chainsaw! Milli Vanilli reunited!"

Depending on how you say something, it can mean a whole host of different things. Add to that all the nuances of body language and especially facial expressions, and the ways we can communicate are limitless.

Unfortunately, all that complexity leaves us vulnerable to break-downs and mishaps. Take a misplaced or missing comma, for example.

"Let’s eat Grandma!" Instead of "Let’s eat, Grandma!"

If one absent punctuation mark can turn cute and cuddly grandchildren into matricidal (or parricidal) cannibals, think what an errant raised eyebrow or frown could do!

The problem is that we as communicators tend to make a couple critical mistakes.

1. We assume.

Oh yes, we take the first bit of out-of-context information we can get our grubby little mitts on and we run with it, baby! We are all too eager to get our underwear in a bunch because of something we were sure we’d heard our friend or romantic partner say.

“I knew you didn’t like my Mr. Rogers shirt! I saw that look you gave me. You’ve always hated that shirt. Admit it!”

Family members and people in long-term romantic and platonic relationships especially fall victim to this. They’ve spent enough time with one another that they think they’ve got the other person pegged. They work diligently as relationship Sherlock Holmeses, putting their cases together so one day they'll have an open-and-shut case about the other person's motives. They assume the other person has kept something covered up or outright lied about it, and they’re going to get to the bottom of this thing, by Jove. (And when they do, oh boy, they’re going to let them have it!)

Give your suspects the benefit of the doubt. Don’t read into things. If there’s something of genuine importance you want to know, just ask! Also, trust what they’re telling you. On the flip side, don’t play games. If someone is really trying to get to the bottom of an issue between you, and they are openly trying to work it out, be honest! Communication has to be accurate and trustworthy.

Maybe we have insecurities of our own that we’re sensitive about, and the moment we think someone’s strayed into that sacred ground, we simply go off. Truthfully (this was true in school and is still goes for all stages of life), people are too concerned about their own shortcomings to notice yours. If they happen to make an offhand remark that hits you where you’re most vulnerable, unless they’re a sociopath it was most likely a coincidence.

2. We don’t clarify.

If someone did say something that was potentially harmful or revealing, it's okay to ask them to explain what they meant (provided you’re not being aggressive about it). It’s also okay and even a good idea to let them know what you thought they said. So much of what we say to one another is lost in translation. For instance, a person who learns English as a second language will look truly perplexed when you say it's raining cats and dogs. We all have different backgrounds and influences on our lives, and we each have a collection of unique experiences; so, there’s no way we all can understand what each other is saying 100% of the time. It’s not a sign of stupidity to ask someone to clear something up – in fact, it will show them you’re truly interested in what they said. Where the three most important words in close relationships are “I love you,” I’d say the close runners up are, “I don’t know.”


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Esther:


I suspect we women don't have quite as much trouble understanding men as we do making ourselves understood.  This isn't entirely our fault.  After all, women have traditionally been supposed to hang back a little, let men approach, not lay out our naked feelings to be rejected or condemned.  We resort instead to an intricate system of cues, hints, and code words.  We do this even among ourselves, which is kinda silly; if you can't be completely honest with another woman, who can you be honest with?

It's possible, I think, to layer yourself in so much camouflage that you start to believe your own CodeSpeak, or at least to lose touch with the truer words underneath.  Consider the few samples below as a Public Service Announcement to women who'd like to rediscover what they're really saying, and to men who have no clue.

"Nothing." (To the infamous question, "What's wrong?")

A. I'm not okay, but I'm afraid talking about it right now would make it worse.

or

B. I'm not okay, but I can't tell if you're really concerned; I'd feel better if you'd press the issue so I know you care. If you don't press the issue, I'll be more guarded with you the next time nothing's wrong.

"Does this make me look fat?"

I'm feeling insecure and need reassurance. For the love of God, reassure me. Quick.

"I'm sorry."

A. I'm sorry.

or

B. I'm pacifying you.

"I love you."

Now you say it, too.

"No, go ahead. Enjoy yourself."

...if that's really how little you care about me. I clearly care more about you because I'm letting you go even though I don't want you to, which means I already win the fight we're going to have later about this.

At the heart of all this indirectness is the inability to trust that other person with your truth...and that's a red flag, no?

It could be because that person hasn't engendered trust. Maybe you've tried honesty and gotten shot down. If that's the case, the relationship might need some examination. On the other hand, maybe that person has proven him/herself quite safe, but you just can't make yourself say what you mean. If that's what's going on, well, you should probably sit down with yourself and have a long discussion. (Ben's influence is responsible for my recent advice-giving, btw.)

I've been guilty of saying things I didn't mean, and still do it around those few unsafe people I'm stuck interacting with for various reasons.  Hey, it's scary to say the real things underneath. When you're unclear and someone hurts you, you can at least hold onto the hope they did it accidentally.  It's much harder to recover after you've succinctly exposed your deepest vulnerabilities and someone tramples all over them. It only takes a few hurts of that nature to become an expert in CodeSpeak, for survival's sake.

After finding a few relationships where I can free-fall into honesty, I've found truth to be so addictive that it's irritating to have to hold back now. Personally, I think it would be entertaining to start a truth movement. I think "let's just be friends" should be replaced with "I can't imagine dating you," and "let's agree to disagree" is ousted by "shut up about it, you're ****ng me off!"

The world isn't ready for that just yet, but I think we can take baby steps. Little clarifications here and there.

So, yeah. Let's eat Grandma.