Not-So-Sweetest Day

Ben:

Just say no!

…to Sweetest Day.

Oh, no. A male is lobbying against Sweetest Day? He’s no romantic!

Well, before some of you readers go grabbing the torches and pitchforks and offering Kleenex boxes to Esther, allow me to explain.

If you’re in a healthy relationship, then you’ve most likely put forth time, thought, and effort to get there. We don’t (or rather should not) let perfect strangers into the most intimate areas of our lives, so naturally you get to know someone and let them get to know you in order to have a close, personal relationship with them.

How do we typically do this? First, we learn about each other. We ask questions and share meaningful details about ourselves in return. In short, we engage in honest and heartfelt conversations with one another.

The problem with words is that, even if we’re completely honest with one another, they typically don’t carry the same meaning for all of us.

For Example:

She says: “I dabble in literature and fine arts.”

The reality: She runs a rare books store, and spends every weekend in art exhibits and every evening in book clubs, writing groups, and crafting circles.

He says: “I like to watch football when I get a chance.”

The reality: He has every cable sports package known to man. He has season tickets to every local professional, college, and high school team within a 100-mile radius. He experiences clinical depression during the off-season.

 It's one thing to make all sorts of claims about oneself or to hear someone make theirs, but until you see one another in action, the words are just that: only words. Our words reflect how we perceive the world, therefore inherently have a lack of objectivity.

This leads me to another element of the familiarization process: doing. We have to witness how one another lives in and interacts with their world, because this speaks volumes about values, character, and temperament. This is where you see one another in action and measure their words against their actions. If words and actions don’t mesh, it doesn’t mean they’re a liar necessarily, it might just mean you two see the world differently. However, doing things together is an excellent crucible in which to test your newfound relationship and whether you are truly fit to be a couple.

The final element to all this and the common denominator of both words and actions is time. You’ve got to spend time getting to know each another. Time bears most things out and will help you both discover if you are, in fact, compatible and capable of existing in harmony.

Okay, now, what has all that stuff got to do with Sweetest Day?

Once you’re in a long-term relationship, spending time, having conversations, and doing things together has got to continue. Unfortunately, some people operate under the notion that once you’re together you can coast. Doing those things is strictly reserved for people in the dating stage. Still others just get plain lazy and don’t feel like putting in the effort once they’ve “won” the person they were “gunning” for. Sadly, this neglects the other person’s needs for those things and the relationship languishes.

That’s where these silly holidays come into play.

Instead of consistently meeting the needs of their partners, these lazy relationshippers opt, instead, to spring for tokens of affection on romantic holidays. They believe that a prettily wrapped cardboard box filled to the brim with sugar, chocolate, and nuts will be able to take the place of these crucial relationship elements. Instead of routinely nurturing their relationship with time, acts, and words, they try for these grand (or even not-so-grand) romantic gestures, expecting it to make up for the negligence of the other 364 days.

A neglectful partner buying token gifts on romantic holidays for their lonely partners is akin to the early European settlers giving the Native Americans shiny beads in exchange for acres of land and natural resources.

In short, if you settle for a box of chocolates instead of being treated well on a regular basis in a relationship, you’re being ripped off.

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Esther:

When Ben and I were getting to know each other, he made the unfortunate mistake of saying he was a romantic.  I say "unfortunate" because the very word romantic launched me into a diatribe about what's wrong with the notion of romance.  For those of you who know anything about Myers Briggs personality typing, I'm an ENFP, and the reputation we ENFP females have is that we are paradoxically quite romantic and yet stubbornly unimpressed by displays of "romance."

I'll explain.

Imagine (A) your typical Casanova, who has perfected the art of romance.  His well-oiled voice and hair have seduced many a woman, and he always has roses and chocolates on hand.  He can recite pretty phrases at a moment's notice, and never lets a holiday pass without a flourish of gifts and songs scientifically designed to reduce his lover to putty.

I have actually heard - and observed - that some women respond favorably to this sort of cookie-cutter treatment, and it baffles me.  Would you want to be no more than the current stand-in for this narcissist's imaginary lover, knowing that when he moves on or cheats on you, he will give identical flatteries to the next woman, and the next?

Now, for contrast, imagine (B) your typical mouth-breathing American male (I said typical *mouth-breathing*, because I don't think all males are this way).  While it's true he's more honest, he also completely misses the spirit of romance, to the point that, when he manfully tries to execute romantic occasions, well - bless his heart - it's almost painful to watch:

Him (checking his watch with a sigh): "You almost ready? The dinner reservations are for 7:00. How long does it take to fix yer hair, anyway?"

Her (emerging from the bathroom, wearing a new dress): "I'm ready now. How do I look?"

Him (grunting): "Fine. Oh, and here's a card and some flowers. Now c'mon, let's go."

Having only come into contact with Column A and Column B type men, I'd decided the mouth-breathers were disappointing but at least more authentic than the Casanovas.  Therefore, despite my need for romance, I'd determined to ignore my occasional pining, and beg whatever man I ended up with to just please, for God's sake, ignore all romantic occasions (because he was going to botch them anyway).

Thankfully, I am wrong once in awhile, and have discovered there is at least one more Column.  A man in Column C is not boxed in by romantic occasions, and will treat his woman so well on any given Thursday that she does not starve until the next Valentine's or anniversary bone is thrown her way.  He'll take time for a simple walk with her some evening, and during that walk he'll remember something funny from the early days of their relationship, and he'll tell her how his life feels now that she's in it.

The Column C kind of guy will notice his girl having trouble with something, and he'll quietly find a solution for it, not for her praise, but just for the pleasure of making her life better.  He'll stop everything when he catches her looking just so, and he'll tell her she's beautiful.  He'll listen when she talks, and love the things that make her who she is, despite the down sides of some of her traits.

This is real romance, in my opinion.  It's an attitude, not a special occasion; a journey, not a destination.

On the off chance that a mouth-breather has somehow read this blog post, however, and you now feel less than adequate because you don't know how to be a Natural Romantic, it's okay.  Go buy some chocolates.  Today is your day.