Gypsies and Hobbits

Ben:

People typically fall into one of two camps: A.) Those who love to make lists in sentences (like me) and B.) those who don't (like Esther).

The Free Spirit (or Gypsy): "Ugh, you're so controlling! You've got to have everything just so!"

The Nerd (or Hobbit): "Ugh, you're so eccentric! You live in utter chaos!"

The age-old clash of personality types plays out time and again in relationships of all sorts. Your classic "odd couple" scenario occurs when the Nerd in the relationship is preoccupied with making sure every detail in the relationship is planned (charted, categorized, numbered from highest to lowest, and ordered alphabetically), while the Free Spirit flips a coin to decide everything from what they eat to where they'll go that day.

Since I'm the resident Nerd and a Nerd expert, I'll discuss Nerds :)

The Nerd

The Nerd gains satisfaction and comfort from having an orderly existence.

Do Nerds contribute to a relationship? Absolutely, they do! They'll keep the trains running on time. Dates, places, names, and appointments are efficiently monitored. Nerds wield their Excel spreadsheets with effortless proficiency. Friends of Nerds feel well looked after, as their birthdays are remembered and their RSVP's get answered. The relationship thrives because tasks at hand get tended to, whether they're bills to be paid or projects to be accomplished - the Nerd will see it done.

Sounds great! We should ALL be Nerds, right? Uh, no. You see, Nerds don't do spontaneous nor do they embrace the new. They prefer the comfort of the familiar - even if the familiar isn't so great and even if the new is far superior. They'll cling to their tried and true ways like a squirrel to a branch in a windstorm. Extreme Nerd-like behavior can strain the relationship in a number of ways. First, the Nerd is so convinced he's thought of every conceivable angle in his planning and prep that nobody else can have anything to offer. This results in him being resistant to input from others.

The other problem is that their planning efforts have a tendency to eclipse the events themselves, so much so that the goal of the activity, whether it be fun or productivity, becomes compromised. Take, for example, the Nerd-father who plans every second of a family vacation. He drags everyone along at breakneck speed, fretting over every detail, and stressing over minutia to the point that, instead of relaxing and enjoying themselves, the family is exhausted and miserable.

Psychology of a Nerd

Nerds fear losing control. They fear that if they don't control things, the worst will happen. A maladjusted Nerd will not work well with others and is a poor collaborator. They tend to be high-strung and lose their temper when things go in opposition of their plans. In most extreme cases, they attempt to control everything and everyone around them.

How does a Nerd survive in a relationship?

In a word? RELAX.

Accept the fact that many things are beyond your control. It is a gift to be able to stay on top of things. The world needs people like that.  But you've got to know when to put down the paper and pencil, close the spreadsheet, don a Hawaiian shirt, and put your feet up. Also? You're only one person! You can't see things from every conceivable angle. Truly listen to what other people have to say - there's wisdom all around.

Finally, open yourself up to new things and experiences. Step outside your comfort zone. There is so much unpredictable fun to be had out in the world, but you'll never experience it if you don't go and try to have an adventure.


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Esther:

What makes a "Gypsy" or Free Spirit so fun is that she can turn a normal, errand-filled day into an adventure.  You might think your Saturday drive with her is to pick up milk and eggs at the grocery, but along the way you'll discover a magical, half-hidden side road full of breathtaking scenery.  You'll wander with her into a small shop full of wind chimes and incense, whose wizened proprietor makes you wonder if he will still exist, tomorrow, if you inquire about him to the locals.  You'll find a new shortcut you're going to use the next time you drive to work, and you'll enjoy an impromptu picnic in an old graveyard when she realizes it's past dinnertime.  At the end of the day, you'll have a great story to tell, but you won't have any milk or eggs.

The Free Spirit is a noticeably loving mom.  She senses the moment one of her children is upset, and she knows just the right approach to ease it, whether it's coaxing the child to share the trouble with her, or chasing the child through the house until she's caught him and tickled him into a state of laughing exhaustion.  Never having completely grown up, she's the first to dash outside with the kids to play in sprinklers or blow bubbles.  Naturally attuned to her household's pulse, she knows when it's time to break out a board game, and when it's time to let everyone do their own things.

Just as loving with her husband as with her children, the Free Spirit is exceptionally lavish with her praise, encouragement, support, and physical affection.  She can make her husband feel like the most important man in the free world, and when he despairs because a monkey wrench has been wedged into their best-laid plans, she can quickly devise a Plan B without even losing her good mood.  Best of all, did I mention the, uh, physical affection?

A Free Spirit will bring sunshine and rainbows into your home.  You will hear songs of angels in her dulcet voice, and you will weep at the beauty of her paintings.  Forest animals will gather outside the windows to glimpse her dancing from room to room.

If you think you'd like to go out and get yourself one of these Free Spirits for your own household, be aware that she does come with a few warning labels.

May Cause Dizziness
If unfinished projects, randomness, and frequently losing someone's attention give you a nervous tic, a Free Spirit may not be right for you.

Contents Under Pressure
Your Free Spirit is only easygoing until she isn't.  In fact, she stresses out probably more than you do.  This is because, everything you feel, she feels, MAGNIFIED.  When she's happy, she's really, really happy.  But when she's not, well...

Sharp Edges
Since she feels everything so strongly, when you've hurt a Free Spirit's feelings, you've really hurt her feelings, and she'll explain how you hurt her feelings - for a very, very long time.  Also, if you must box her in with parameters and deadlines, be prepared for pouting and downright grouchiness. She knows she sucks at parameters and deadlines, but she likes to pretend she was going to do that thing before you interrupted and told her to do that thing.  Now she doesn't want to do that thing anymore.

Adult Supervision Recommended
Someone's going to need to remember to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer while she's all "The Hillllls Are Aliiiive" out there.  She may be adorable and funny but she will regularly forget the daily maintenance of the children.  She'll need help with her own daily maintenance, too, unless you don't mind her dashing off late to work with mismatched socks, and driving her car down to the last drop of oil.

Objects in Mirror May Be Closer Than They Appear
Pairing a Free Spirit, or Gypsy, with someone who can remain grounded while she takes to the air - a Nerd, or Hobbit, for instance - will produce dramatic results.  Similarly to the Hobbit, a Gypsy is capable of accomplishing certain kinds of goals on her own; once she combines forces with a Hobbit, however, her possibilities are virtually unlimited.