Anatomy of an Anxiety Attack

Ben:

Mean people suck.

Yup.

They suck…

BAD.

We’ve had a less-than-stellar week. A neighbor who shall remain nameless tore yours truly a new one. It was decidedly unpleasant. Considering I already struggle from anxiety, being roused from bed on a Sunday morning to be shouted at by a scary person on my front lawn was enough to set me into an anxious tailspin – one which I’m just now coming out of. The good news is I AM coming out of it. With this fresh in my mind, allow me to share my thoughts on pulling out of emotional nosedives.

**Before I start in on this, please remember that some anxiety issues, perhaps even many, require the aid of a professional to work through. Never tell someone you know who has anxiety to “get over it.” (That would be like telling someone with diabetes or MS to will themselves healed, that their infirmity can be overcome by simply thinking about it hard enough. It’s absurd, it’s unproductive, so don’t do it.) Also, please keep in mind I am NOT a medical, psychological, sociological, or even dental professional. I’m some guy at a keyboard typing whatever pops up in his head, so take it for what it is – more internet clutter. With the disclaimer out of the way, off we go!

For me, anxiety can be tripped when something unexpected happens. The event can be short-lived and may not even cause any physical harm, but its surprising nature is jarring to the emotions. I freeze. I want to run (I favor flight over fight) but I can’t if I’m already home. I’m being yelled at, at my home. A sickening wave of terror grips me. It's overwhelming.

If I can’t run, I try to appease, to please, to capitulate. I’ll say anything to get the person to stop attacking me with their words. I’m sensitive, and loud, angry words pierce me like daggers. It’s worse if the person yelling at me has reason to do so. In this case, I was responsible in part for a dog getting loose and causing an incident (no harm was done, but that wasn’t the point). Since I was in the wrong, the words that condemned me rang truer than all the words of affirmation I’d ever heard.

I couldn’t run, I couldn’t soothe the anger by agreeing, so with all my self-preservation tools used up, I fell apart. I was a kid again hearing my father’s disapproving words ringing in my ears. Defeated, I slunk back through my front door, a total mess.

The rest of the day was spent resting. I suppose that's the first bit of advice I can give you (well, the first is, get some help so you can better weather situations like that): Get some rest. When you’re experiencing emotional sunburn, seek out healthy things that will comfort you, whether it’s a show on Netflix, a go-to book you can get lost in, or even a location like a park or a small shop, go to that place and give yourself a chance to cool down. Also, even though it’s hard, please remember to take care of your physical self, too. The one can definitely affect the other.

The following day was still rough, so I took a moment to write a letter. It helped me put the event in perspective. After reflection, I found that my verbal attacker had overreacted. Yes, my dog had indeed managed to get loose, but when I thought about it I remembered that he got loose in spite of safeguards I put in place. It’s not like I didn’t try. So, where the events seemed horribly skewed against me, once I paused and took a moment to think carefully about them, I began to realize I didn’t really deserve all that condemnation the neighbor had piled upon me.

Later that day, I dropped the letter off for my neighbor to read. I didn’t do it so I might get an apology or provide them with some revelation. I did it so they would know my truth, and that I would know they knew it. They blasted me with their truth, so now they could quietly receive mine. (Mine’s better because a handful of written words trumps a thousand shouted ones).

Now, a couple days removed, I write to you about it. It’s cathartic, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my co-author, who was there with me every step of the way, listening, encouraging, and affirming. I guess the last thing I would suggest in this post would be to get an Esther… but you can’t have mine.

Esther:

Luckily for Ben, I’m a professional. Not professional like a doctor, but professional like an athlete. I’ve had panic attacks since early childhood, and, hey, practice is how professionals are made, right?

Here’s how my panic attacks typically start and continue:

• An overwhelmingly bad thing happens to me. • A later situation reminds me of that bad thing and I panic. • A future situation reminds me of the situation where I panicked, and I panic again. This is the “fear of fear” stage.

The sunny side of the “fear of fear” stage is that it happens during harmless situations, so I can direct all my energy toward riding it out. I do that by grounding myself: counting all the red items in the room, or smelling something calming, or thinking of something funny. Simple math, in particular, is a favorite go-to of mine (maybe because it was never my strength, so it takes the most work). While multitasking might be popular in corporate America, it’s not a real thing; so, while you focus your attention on grounding yourself, you don’t have that attention to feed the panic. And after you ride out a panic attack, the next one is easier.

In my anxiety there is no fear of the unknown. Even when facing an unknown situation, my fear is that the known will happen again. This hypervigilance is how I’ve survived this long, but now that my life has calmed down it’s hard to turn it off. If Ben will forgive me for speaking for him, I think this is the same problem he’s now facing.

You wouldn’t think two anxiety-prone people would make a good relationship, but it actually works. When one of us starts spiraling away from reason, the other is there to recognize it and help pull us through. Even when the other one is also caught in their own vortex of fear, at least we’re going through it together and no one’s standing around saying, “Get over it.”

Seriously, who are these people who say “get over it”? Does that phrase work for any situation? If someone told you to get over it and you benefited from that advice, please let me know.