Be Generous With Your "I Love You's"!

Ben:

You ever see those cats or dogs who turn around and around on a bed, struggling to settle in comfortably? That’s me. I’ve completed my first week at Wittenberg University and am still having a difficult time establishing a routine. Since routines are prime components to my psychological comfort, I’ve felt a bit out of sorts lately, and my long-suffering kids have had to endure my unwarranted grousing. It also doesn’t help that I’ve abandoned the healthy eating and exercise habits I established a couple years ago. (The excuse I love to give is that it’s because of all the changes in my life, but, in truth, it’s because I love to eat, I love to cook, and I cook well, so I love to eat what I cook. Also, I believe that if you’re not eating and hydrating properly, exercise is pointless, so that’s gone out the window, too. The upshot of all this is, my clothes fit as uncomfortably as my routine, or lack thereof.) Overall, my picture is unbelievably bright. I’m married to the girl of my dreams. (That’s a tired cliché so I’ll amend. I’m married to the girl I imagined I’d be happiest with before we even met.) I’ve got a household of great kids, a Rolodex of awesome friends, and I’m working steadily toward my goal of getting a degree. Despite all this, I’ve been a bit grumpy; my sleeping and eating are off, energy is off, I’m just off.

Ok, Ben, WE GET IT, YOU’RE OFF! But here’s why this is important – when you’re off, its hard to feel like you’re in love or that you love anyone else. In fact, when you’re off, it’s easy to get inward focused and forget about the world around you, or to forget that it does not, in fact, revolve around you. It’s in these times that you’ve got to reaffirm your love for others.

I believe love is equal measures feeling and conscious choice – it’s got to be. Conscious choice is what carries you through the ebbs and dips not only in your relationship, but your personal life as well. (Also, let me clarify, relationship doesn’t have to be strictly defined as romantic; at its core, a relationship is any interaction two or more people have on a regular basis.) It’s so important that you continue expressing love even especially on bad days.

I have the unique perspective that comes from being a widower. One thing that sticks in my mind is that, after I’d learned of my late wife’s passing, my first thought wasn’t of bills, groceries, car repairs, bank accounts, or any of the other things that tend to interfere with couples’ relationships. All I could think was, "When was the last time I told her I loved her?" Was it the night before, or that morning? To this day, I can’t remember.

What I drew from that experience is this: you’ve got to tell the person you love that you do, every day. If you wait until you’re filled with warm fuzzies and surrounded by chubby winged cherubs, that time will come rarely, if ever. What’s worse is that, by not telling someone you love them, you risk sending the message that your love for them is conditional. If you’re deliberately not telling them because you’re angry, then you’re driving that point home with a nail gun. You’ve got to maintain a steady baseline of “I love you” that doesn’t rise and fall with the ever-changing chaos that is life. It can’t be "I love you if….", "I’d love you but…", and so on. By making a habit of telling the person you love how you feel every day, you show them that your devotion and commitment to them is not some fleeting emotion, whim, or fragile thing that will go away at the first sign of trouble. Heck, put a sticky note on your monitor, a reminder on your phone, something to tell you to say "I love you," no matter what is going on.

Our household shares a sort of morbid sense of humor because of what we’ve all been through. A byproduct of this is that we often say we love each other when parting ways, and laughingly follow it up with, “Just in case you die in a fiery car crash and I never see you again.” On the surface this might seem shocking or inappropriate, but, at its heart, it’s a good mindset to have. If you live and relate to people you care about with the notion that you may indeed never see them again, you may be inclined to love more, forgive more, and criticize less. 

People often incorrectly assume that dire relationship problems arise from a single dramatic cause like infidelity. In truth, relationships wither before they die, a tiny bit each day. Relationships usually die of starvation. So feed them!

But don’t read too far into this, readers; I’m addressing nuanced feelings that got me thinking. I’m madly in love with my co-author.  :)

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Esther:

Ah! Thank you, Ben, for that writing prompt-slash-launchpad for a quick rant.

You know what I hate?  Romance.

I mean false romance.  The red, pink, and white vomitus in stores during February.  The obligatory card, flowers, dinner, movie, and sex on anniversaries.  The props people in lackluster relationships buy to convince each other they're in actually good relationships.

This may just be because I'm not a fan of any forced emotion.  I detest sappy movies that may as well sport neon signs prompting audiences to "Cry Here" and "Say 'Aww' Here."  You're not doing your job right if you have to tell me what to feel.

This does, in fact, bring me back to what Ben said.  Nuance truly is a major part of our marital interaction, partly because I'm like a drug-sniffing dog when it comes to subtleties of tone of voice and body language, and partly because Ben is, too.  God forbid one of us should have a headache without disclosing it.  The other one will instantly seize upon an "off" expression or tone, and will be halfway down the road of panicky relationship examination if we aren't quickly informed as to the mere organic reason for said expression or tone.

When my husband is "off," it means he fires a few grouchy episodes into his normal routine of going above and beyond for his wife and kids.  Gee, Ben, you were a little short-tempered right before you cooked us our favorite dinner and you seemed stressed before you asked me what I needed to do to de-stress after my long workday.  I swear, I don't know how I live with you.

I'm not a fan of PDA, and I want to be careful to not turn this blog into a groan-worthy display of affection between newlyweds, but this needs to be said.  At the end of our honeymoon, my husband surprised me by lamenting that perhaps he did not give me with the romantic excursion it should have been.  After all, we didn't go to an exotic location, we didn't dress up and do fancy things, we just kicked about in our rehabbed home.  But here's why he was wrong about the lack of romance. At a restaurant one day, I had a hankering for a particular soda they didn't serve.  As I ordered something else, he excused himself from the table, and when he returned, I discovered he had actually left the restaurant, driven down the street to another restaurant, and returned with the soda I'd really wanted.  Then he looked on with confused humility while, mouth gaping, I tried to explain why I thought it was a big deal that he'd done that.  To him, it was a matter of common sense, not a romantic gesture.  His wife wanted X brand of soda.  She must have X brand of soda.  End of story.

I've experienced the outward trappings of so-called romance.  I've endured serenades, candlelit dinners, and enough roses to fill a funeral home.  I've ticked off all the checkboxes on a romantic holiday or anniversary and still felt no evidence of any specialness to the relationship, and no proof that, on this day, I was thought of with any extra consideration.  Just another Saturday, Tuesday, or what-have-you.  Meh.

I'll tell you what real romance is (to me, at least).  It's unpremeditated, or at least not staged.  It's a permeating attitude of thinking the other person really is a catch.  It's spontaneous hugs and thoughtful treatment of the person you're with, despite the fact that you had a really sucky day and you feel like crap.  If you're doing it right, your relationship can survive your "off" times.  Maybe you're doing it right if you just notice you're having an "off" time and care how that might affect those closest to you.

As Ben said, though, loving like this doesn't apply to just romantic relationships.  I went off on that tangent about romance because it's a longstanding rant of mine and I saw the opportunity to rant again.  It's what I do.