Ben:
It is SO easy to forget to take care of yourself, especially in the midst of chaotic situations and hectic lifestyles.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve found myself waking with anxiety day after day. However, I could never figure out why I was so anxious. During the past three months, I’ve been seeing a counselor. For those of you who aren’t regular readers, I’ve been through many trying and demanding experiences over the past couple decades. Since life has settled down recently, I decided it was time to speak with a professional about processing everything I’ve been through.
One thing I discovered in counseling was that I hadn’t been taking care of my basic needs. Sure, I ate, slept, and showered if the day wasn’t too busy, but I’d not made caring for myself a priority. I’ve been hopping from one crisis to the next and one big life change to the next for so long that I’d forgotten how to properly care for my own needs. The result of my basic psychological needs going chronically unmet was generalized anxiety I had a difficult time controlling. Every day I awoke feeling uneasy and unsettled. I’d switch between extreme worry and extreme sadness for no apparent reason.
Recently, I’ve been making my needs a priority. I make sure I shower, groom and dress daily, no matter how busy the schedule appears to me. I incorporate meditation in my daily routine and make an effort to keep on regular eating and sleeping schedules. I also keep a daily journal and engage in personal pursuits. All of this stemmed from a decision to stop trying to fix everyone else’s problems or create ideal situations. I’m learning to be content in this imperfect situation and trust my loved ones to make their own adjustments to be happy as well.
This has created freedom for me: freedom of thought, freedom of time, and freedom of energy. My family is enjoying this more relaxed and happier me. By virtue of taking care of myself and being less stressed and more happy, I’ve helped create better lives for everyone else.
Esther:
Self-care is like car maintenance. Not everyone sees the value in it but the consequences of not doing it speak for themselves.
If you don’t maintain your car, you drive it into the ground and have to buy another car much sooner than you would have had to.
If you don’t maintain yourself…
Oh, sorry. You only get one self.
Understanding this analogy is all well and good, but if you’ve been taking care of others all this time to the detriment of yourself, you’re most likely surrounded by people who won’t appreciate it if/when you decide to start taking care of yourself. They might say you’ve gotten distant or selfish. And that might sound to you like the end of the world. It used to sound like that to me, too.
But imagine I’ve asked you to drive me to see my family in another state. You’ve been driving for hours and your gas tank is nearly empty, but the minute you tell me you’ve got to stop at a gas station, I act offended and hurt.
“I thought you cared about me,” I say. “I don’t have time for you to stop right now.”
Would you apologize and keep driving until we were stranded on the side of the road? Or would you stop at the next gas station regardless of my ignorant criticism (and maybe suggest I find alternate transportation for the rest of my trip)?
Applying this mindset to the less obvious maintenance of self-care is easier said than done when you haven’t before, but it’s no less important. Think of the stories you may have heard, or witnessed firsthand, of the stress and higher mortality rate of caregivers. Or think of that one old shrew who seems “too mean to die” while the family she lives with wastes away with anxiety, depression, chronic headaches, ulcers, etc.
A healthy person will understand when you have to say no to something because your “car” is in the shop. In fact, one might say their reaction is a litmus test of their own mental health. It's a shame when someone doesn’t understand, but there’s no need to internalize and make that YOUR shame. Cars need gas, tire checks, bulb replacements, fluid and filter changes, my goodness, cars can be a lot of work. But it’s not frivolous work. And neither is caring for yourself.
Not sure how to start? That's okay. When I began, I checked out library books to learn the basics involved in caring for myself, just like I read up on parenting when I was pregnant. I did internet searches on the topic. I made mental notes when I observed other people intuitively caring for themselves. Ideally, as very young children, we all would have learned to be in tune with our basic needs and self-soothe, but life rarely takes the ideal route.
Here’s a fun choose-your-own-adventure questionnaire to figure out what sort of self-care you might need at the moment.
http://philome.la/jace_harr/you-feel-like-shit-an-interactive-self-care-guide/play
